Today was a day of juxtapositions. We started off the morning by taking a check to the bank, eating a quick breakfast and running to meet with our financial advisor. We sat down and talked about retirement, savings, and options. We talked about when to know when the economy hit bottom. Meanwhile, our little girl sat in our laps coloring and playing. We took turns giving our advisor rapt attention while the other one balanced a child, notepad, and toys. This was overwhelming but informative. We left with lots to discuss in the car. We left thinking what the world would be like for her, what it would be like to retire, and when that might even happen.
Our next stop was a funeral. This melancholy event was beautifully done. The pews were full of former coworkers. This woman had touched so many lives and people who had worked with her even if only for a brief time came to pay their respects. As our little one was exhausted and fell asleep in the car I walked in alone. I sat in the back and looked around. Thinking what is a legacy. What would be said for my parents, spouse, child, me? For our friends who were still single who would come? What would be said? The person who gave the eulogy spoke of her humor, and also her private independent nature. I thought of my friends. I thought of a friend who told me I was a bad friend earlier this year. I reflected on all of this and thought what would I say for them? Who would fill those pews? Would there be tears or laughter? My daughter woke up and my husband brought her in. I looked around to see I was one of the few with a spouse or child in attendance. As I hugged my little one I felt so blessed and lucky. We are so blessed in the lives we have.
Ever on the run it was time to go again. As much as the time to sit and reflect would be wonderful we did not have the time. We dashed back in the car and picked up my husbands license plates. As we drove into the dealership we followed a little blue honda civic. I looked at that car who we had just traded in and thought of all those memories with that car. How someone is going to buy that car and it will be a blessing for them. I looked at the car and knew she was being test driven. Someone else would get to make wonderful memories in that car. It seemed fitting that right after a loss we should see my car.
We at this point decided we needed to feed out little girl. She by the way is a rock star. We go out and enjoy a lunch. We coax her to eat while she makes up her own mind. A quick bite later its time to go home.
This past year I have thought a lot about the number 52. There are 52 weeks in a year. 52 weekends to spend with my daughter. 52 weeks to make a difference and become a better person, to do, to lear, to be present.
My daughter loves the park. I wish we went more but it does not always happen. As soon as I got home we grabbed the tricycle and were off. I wanted her to have a day not of meetings and funerals but the memories and feelings of a mommy who loved her and took her to the park. Where we pushed the swings as she flew into the air. As we counted cars and trees as we walked. Where she became the number one thing on one of these precious 52 weekends.
After a quick trip she was done. We came home, got changed, and played. We sang songs, and played with her animals. It was time to get back in the car. We drove off to a friends engagement celebration.
We got to celebrate a friend getting engaged. It was wonderful to see everyone there. As the time grew longer our little one got more and more restless. She wanted to play and explore. We were the only couple with kids. Over the two hours my husband and I tagged team catching her, playing with her, and stepping away mid-conversation more times than either of us could count. This engagement was exciting but solidified in my mind that we are reaching different milestones. We were no longer the couple choosing the cool, unique restaurants. Instead we were thinking 401K, 403B and school costs. We could not sit down and celebrate any more. We had to be on the move. We left at the end of the night and for the first time I truly understood I would lose my friends. My friends I clung on so hard to keep. Their lives are on a different trajectory.
What would be said at their funerals verse ours would be drastically different. My super amazing husband and I looked at our lives and we took stock of it all. The way our lives were full. We have 52 weeks a year. We need to make them count.
Kristina Kuzmic just released a new book titles Hold on But Don't Hold Still. This title was perfect for today. I need to hold on but I can't hold still. I can't pretend my life is on the same path. I can't pretend everything will be the same as when I was in college. Her book is about hope but also finding the light. I realize I won't be saying goodbye to my friends but I also know a new light will shine. I am excited for their new adventures and know that there is a mark we will all leave on the world.
